He Ain't Comin' Back, No He Aint.

I'm cleaning the dining room yesterday and this lady walks up to the condiment bar mumbling away. I ignore her for awhile, and then she looks at me kind of funny so I do a quick double-take and think, "Oh my lanta! Was she talking to me the whole time?"

So I'm on the verge of feeling like an idiot when I decide to ask her how she's doing today. She shakes her head and says, "Well ... I'm terrible. My husband doesn't understand me, never has. Wish I'd never married the old bag."

Well this is where I get off, ya'll. I go from 60 to 2 in three seconds, dead halt style. "God, really? Why do I always open my mouth with all the wrong people, huh?" The only choice I have now is say something, anything ... but it had better be good.

"Oh? Well I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough day." Idiot. That would be the WRONG thing to say -- mentally smacking my forehead here like duhhhh.

"Well I should've married Tony. He's a real fine man, if you know what I mean. Played the banjo down at the Paramount Theatre, ya know. Up on the stage he did." She began naming all these songs he could play, restating what a good looking man he was.

Out of curiosity, I wondered aloud ... "So you didn't marry Tony, hmm?"

She turned around from randomly digging through the ketchup and glared at me. "No! His (bleep) father had him cremated, so it's not like he's coming back to life."

I inwardly gasped, and had another little talk with God like I sometimes do. "Dear God, why? What am I gonna say to that? This woman's a real nutcase, if you know what I mean."

Thankfully, she continued. "And the man I got now never does anything, doesn't work ..."

"Well at least you love him right? That always helps, I'm sure." Another idiotic thing to say apparently, because I really had no idea what she was going to say next ..

"Oh heck no. I don't love anybody no more, loving's dumb. Specially with this guy I've got now, just a waste of time it is."

And after calling me back over and pulling out an old newspaper clipping she carries around of him, she finally wandered out. And I went over and gave Jake a good shaking for leaving me stranded when I kept giving him a help me | I need you look.

So it's official, I'm no Oprah. Yeah ...